Your organization is sound. The paper reads like a draft. As you spend more time on it, I have confidence that it will improve. I've been slow getting this feedback to you. Let me know when you can get it to me. There's not really a big hurry. Everyone else is turning theirs in tomorrow. I'm hoping some of your classmates will also give you some feedback on your paper via blogspot.
Write an introductory paragraph that includes a "hook."
Usually summaries would not include specific examples like the Becky Ball case. Your summary also includes a long quote, then another quote without enough explanation in between.
The "although" clause in your thesis statement is confusing.
"the bill being presented"==what bill?
Purpose and Audience--you're bring up points you haven't yet introduced.
she never strays? (nix tangents)
The order of information in this paragraph seems jumbled.
Pathos paragraph is stronger.
Personal ideas: you make a good point about adult consequences. The last line should be revised. You might also be more personal about how/why you formed your opinion.
Your organization is sound. The paper reads like a draft. As you spend more time on it, I have confidence that it will improve. I've been slow getting this feedback to you. Let me know when you can get it to me. There's not really a big hurry. Everyone else is turning theirs in tomorrow. I'm hoping some of your classmates will also give you some feedback on your paper via blogspot.
ReplyDeleteWrite an introductory paragraph that includes a "hook."
Usually summaries would not include specific examples like the Becky Ball case. Your summary also includes a long quote, then another quote without enough explanation in between.
The "although" clause in your thesis statement is confusing.
"the bill being presented"==what bill?
Purpose and Audience--you're bring up points you haven't yet introduced.
she never strays? (nix tangents)
The order of information in this paragraph seems jumbled.
Pathos paragraph is stronger.
Personal ideas: you make a good point about adult consequences. The last line should be revised. You might also be more personal about how/why you formed your opinion.